Separated Time: How Much Influence Do We Really Have?
Being a parent, you have influence over your kids - what they watch, what they eat, what they hear/say, what they do. You have so much power to make their life what it is.
But what happens when the parents are divorced? What happens when you get 50% of that influence? Or 30% in our case? Travis and I work really hard to stay on the same page and have the same rules with the kids. That's where we're initiating the Love & Logic concept (see post one). But we were both raised differently.
So, as a stepparent, that leaves me with half of the 30%. Or 15% to teach them what I want them to know about love, life, health, self control and self worth. What can one do in 15% of time - is it even worth it? Or do I throw up my hands and just let Travis do it his way? Nah...that's not my style.
In "A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom" by Jacquelyn B. Fletcher, it talks about finding where you fit. It may not be traditional, conventional, or where you expected, but everyone fits somewhere. She suggests, "Some possible positive roles for stepmothers are trusted adviser, teacher, friend, coach, and respected adult." For me, I found trusted adviser to be on the top of the list. I'm able to get our whole family thinking and acting in a healthier way...
That 15% of time has helped Brooke understand that both parents love her equally. That I understand her because I am from a split home. And that change is inevitable, but not final.
That 15% of time has helped Lucas understand that he is strong and funny. That I understand him because I used to suck my thumb and I love the color orange. And that change is inevitable, but not final.
That 15% of time has helped Logan understand that he is smart and clever. That I understand him because even though I like to be with people, it's ok to be alone. And that change is inevitable, but not final.
I've got a wonderful boyfriend who allows me that 15%. He supports that 15%. He encourages that 15%. He helps his kids treat me like more than 15%.
Some of my successes have been teaching the kids about balanced plates - coming from a lifestyle that was super healthy and very fresh, it killed me that Travis made buttered noodles and chicken nuggets for the kids. Or that they went out to eat so much. Or that there was ice cream every weekend. But now, due to more consistency and normalicy since when I moved in, we've reached a happy medium. We're at the point that the kids ask for "milkshakes" which are just protein shakes. Or they know that they must eat fruits and veggies at every meal. Those are minor victories.
Major successes are when Brooke wants to come hang out with me for the day. Or bake with me. Or just spend time with me. When she looks to me as a trusted friend. There's so many moments in those times that I get to have influence. Or when Logan walks up out of nowhere and asks for a hug. Or asks to read his favorite book. Or Lucas being proud that he helped around the house. Or that we connect based off our love of the color orange.
There's been so much growth and change for all of us these last few months, but I consider it all "worth it" for these victories that our family shares.
~T
But what happens when the parents are divorced? What happens when you get 50% of that influence? Or 30% in our case? Travis and I work really hard to stay on the same page and have the same rules with the kids. That's where we're initiating the Love & Logic concept (see post one). But we were both raised differently.
So, as a stepparent, that leaves me with half of the 30%. Or 15% to teach them what I want them to know about love, life, health, self control and self worth. What can one do in 15% of time - is it even worth it? Or do I throw up my hands and just let Travis do it his way? Nah...that's not my style.
In "A Career Girl's Guide to Becoming a Stepmom" by Jacquelyn B. Fletcher, it talks about finding where you fit. It may not be traditional, conventional, or where you expected, but everyone fits somewhere. She suggests, "Some possible positive roles for stepmothers are trusted adviser, teacher, friend, coach, and respected adult." For me, I found trusted adviser to be on the top of the list. I'm able to get our whole family thinking and acting in a healthier way...
That 15% of time has helped Brooke understand that both parents love her equally. That I understand her because I am from a split home. And that change is inevitable, but not final.
That 15% of time has helped Lucas understand that he is strong and funny. That I understand him because I used to suck my thumb and I love the color orange. And that change is inevitable, but not final.
That 15% of time has helped Logan understand that he is smart and clever. That I understand him because even though I like to be with people, it's ok to be alone. And that change is inevitable, but not final.
I've got a wonderful boyfriend who allows me that 15%. He supports that 15%. He encourages that 15%. He helps his kids treat me like more than 15%.
Some of my successes have been teaching the kids about balanced plates - coming from a lifestyle that was super healthy and very fresh, it killed me that Travis made buttered noodles and chicken nuggets for the kids. Or that they went out to eat so much. Or that there was ice cream every weekend. But now, due to more consistency and normalicy since when I moved in, we've reached a happy medium. We're at the point that the kids ask for "milkshakes" which are just protein shakes. Or they know that they must eat fruits and veggies at every meal. Those are minor victories.
Major successes are when Brooke wants to come hang out with me for the day. Or bake with me. Or just spend time with me. When she looks to me as a trusted friend. There's so many moments in those times that I get to have influence. Or when Logan walks up out of nowhere and asks for a hug. Or asks to read his favorite book. Or Lucas being proud that he helped around the house. Or that we connect based off our love of the color orange.
There's been so much growth and change for all of us these last few months, but I consider it all "worth it" for these victories that our family shares.
~T
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