The Butter To My Bread

I'm challenged to put into words everything I've been feeling lately. 

Travis and I work. We just do.
He's the butter to my bread and the breath to my life. 
I am a better person because of Travis. 
So why is this life that we're creating together so. damn. hard.???


Divorce is messy. There's always a third opinion - or there's always two opinions that aren't yours - that factor in to every decision. And dating a divorced man with kids is messy. I get to be part of the discussion, but never part of the decision for the kids. No matter how much I give to the kids or the ex, someone's always doing more or gets to do more. I'm pouring out with nothing in return. 

And some say, that's part of being a parent. Well guess what, I'm not a parent!!! I didn't want to have kids and take on that responsibility. I didn't ask for child support and enrolling them in every activity they want to do, saving every penny for their best future. I didn't see myself up early and booked every weekend. I didn't want to miss my 20s and gain responsibility faster than anyone else I know. 

But I choose that. And I have to live with that. And it's hard. 
So. Fucking. Hard. To take on the responsibility that you never foresaw coming and blend that with the responsibility of what you had planned for yourself. And that causes disaster. 

So, you have fallout. You have so many ingredients piling up into this beautiful life. I started to think, my life is like a five-tier wedding cake falling from the table and ruining what is possibly the best day of your life. And it makes a huge mess. One that you have to clean up in your beautiful dress. One that you're looking at it, saying, "Why me?" You're wondering how it comes to this when you've done everything to set yourself up for success. 

I don't know the answers. I don't know why I choose this life or why my plan got moved so far off course. (Well I do know that I'm not in control and that my plans are overrun by the Lord.) And it's hard not having the answers. Not seeing what's coming next. Not knowing what trials the next week will bring. 

All I do know is that I have a man who loves me. Who eats cake off the floor with me. Who won't let this change and hardship tear us apart. He takes the burden and the responsibility of what his past life has brought to our future. 

There's a lot of outside commotion and thought and feelings, but ultimately, it's on me. It's on me to do the best for me. The choices I make will affect the rest of my life. So call me selfish, but I'm going to try to make this Fall and Winter the best I can for me. It doesn't mean I stop loving the kids, or my friends, or other people around me. It just means I am no longer working for them. 

Who's with me?

~T


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