Step-parenting is Middle Ground

So I’m trying to figure out this middle ground thing. Some of my friends and I joke that we have kids, but our husbands can be counted as kids, too. And some days it’s endearing - watching them sled down the hill together, while I drink my tumbler of “hot cocoa”. Other days it’s annoying as...well, it’s really annoying. 

I mean really!? How can a grown man just leave his socks around the house. How can he not see that the dishwasher has been clean for two days and it’s okay to empty it without me asking?! How can three kids all step on the same dirty kleenex and no one even flinch. Gahhh!

That was one sacrifice I made as a stepmom...letting go of the idea of clean. You see, I went from having roommates my whole life. To finally renting my own studio apartment that was cute and clean and mine. I even have friends that tell me when they lived alone, those were the best years of their lives...even in 300 square feet. Then, I moved in with children. So what did I have to change in order to not get frustrated?

Well...I had to parent. I had to be the enforcer. I had to be the bad guy. That wasn’t a fun transition.

For us, we had the luxury of a move. Back up: at first, I moved into THEIR home. The home my stepkids ran. The house his ex made the rules for. You may come across this yourself as a stepparent...but very rarely do your ideals match up with the exes. So I hung out in a house that was already established and stripped of what it used to be. I was stuck fitting all my stuff in a house I didn’t like and couldn’t control.

So the move. That was fun. They all had meltdowns and fights about whose room was whose. They retaliated when I said no toys upstairs. They are constantly sneaking food into their bedrooms. And no, it doesn’t stay clean either. But, I did put in a conscious effort to get everything a spot within the first few months of moving - closet space, toy boxes, shoe bins, etc.

And now, this is my house!. And my husband knows how to make my weekend when the kids are being pansies. “Kids, Tricia works really hard to clean this house when you’re not here. I need you to listen to her and help her clean up before you go back to mom’s.” Not that he says that often, but that is his viewpoint. That is his support for me. And he continues to encourage the reconstruction of the house we love.

I still have to yell at him to pick up his stuff or “those baskets of laundry won’t fold themselves” or remind him that you can simultaneously watch TV and do other things. 

Here are some tips that we do at our house to prevent my frustration and is easy for the kids.

• No toys upstairs. We have a split level house. The TV room is my place. I don’t want to sit down on a Tuesday when they’re not here and see a bunch of toys. Which leads to #2. 
• Baskets. Put a basket in every living space. We have one in the dining room and family room (the rooms toys aren’t supposed to be) and then I can have the kids put their toys back in those boxes and they’re off my carpet. But they don’t have to go down to the toy room and put them back every time. They also have baskets for toys in their rooms. 
• Understand child development. I’ve had to learn saying “Go put this away.” doesn’t work. They don’t know where “away” is. Instead using phrased like “This goes in the orange box in sissy’s desk.” or “I will need this off the floor, can you find a special place in your room for it?” 
• Put the responsibility on my husband. In the end, they are his kids and most of these toys I’ve inherited. So don’t be afraid to ask your husband for help. (You may have to speak to him like #3 also, but he’ll eventually learn.) 

Stepparenting comes with a lot of change and frustration. But learning how to cope with some of the little issues early on (where do toys go) will help with bigger issues later (what is my teenagers curfew).

~T